dad. its been awhile. you knw, mom came and told me tht she wants to burn a hse for you. not th we're or rather i am superstitious or anything, just tht she having this thought just surprises me. you always use to tell me how much of a loggerhead you both were. but for her to come and tell me, 'im thinking of burnign a hse for your dad. none of you did it, i wonder where your dad is going to stay.' chinese traditional beliefs i knw. but its the thought. the thought of her havingf to do all this for you when she is not obligated.

ive been to see you a couple of times now, wonder if you do knw tht i am there. i still think of you very much dad. and i miss you. all the funerals tht i come by, is making me go crazy. it just brings me the flashbacks of how yours went. thinking back, i wonder how i actually passed through those 4 days at your wake. i knew i had to be strong. especially for mama. but now everytime i go over to visit you at mandai, i cant help but rmbr the funeral, the coffin, the look on your face when you were lying in there. the look on your face when i saw you at the mortury, you not giving me a chance to even say goodbye. perhaps maybe you knw, i wouldnt want to even say bye. perhaps you knw, tht i wouldnt be able to let go.

dad, although everyone is telling me you are at a better place. although everyone is telling me how you are happier with no pains and sufferings anymore, dad, i would still very much like to see you and hear you say tht to me. i miss you daddy. very much. my bday is coming. 21st. the one youve always been wanting to plan and hold for me. the one you have been looking fwd to. more then i did. now you are not around to celebrate it with me anymore. no longer around to call me at 12mn and tell me how much you love me. no longer calling me to ask me what i want for my bday, or even to just wish me a simple, happy birthday. you are always the first to call, first to wish me, and always the one to never forget when my bday is coming. all these tht i took for granted, all these tht now i want will no longer come to me.

everybody has been asking me what i want for my 21st. the thing tht i rrly rrly want, is for you to come back to me. to call me at 12mn. to tell me you love me and to wish me a happy 21st. is for you to hold my hand whenever we go for walks. to hug me like how you always would. to scold me when i throw my tantrums. to nag at me when i head hme late. to call me hme to eat my fav bee hoon you packed back from da ku's hse for me. to always come and pass me my stuffswhen i need it urgently, even coming to give me money. to call me and tell me your problems. to pick me up and bring me around. to nag at me to go to church. to save food for me when you knw i'll be back hme late. to secretly put at angbao beside my bed during my bdays. to always try and encourage me to go for adult cell with you. i want all of these.. can i?

i cant. and i knw i will never be able to enjoy all of these anymore. 21st will no longer be special. because all these are no longer within my grapse. and you are no loner with me.. i love you dad. i rrly do. every other night i am crying. crying and hoping tht i cans ee you when i slp. hear you sing or even feel you close beside me. i miss you. do you knw tht? why did you have to go? why!

i wnat you. i cant call out to you anymor..